Sunday, January 13, 2013

I won't be in laundry's wet...

We’ve all done it! Calling in sick is hard enough when you’re legit sick. How many times have you thought…they’re probably thinking I’m faking it. The guilt’s there. How will work go on without me- and miraculously it’s still there when you come back.
There are phone-apps that help you fake a sick day, because truly  some days you REALLY need a mental health day before you go bonkers on everyone and get committed to an institution.  I digress, but there’s the back-door voice-mail number that helps you bypass that awkward conversation with the boss and just let’s you get away with a sick message. Other apps help disguise your voice so you sound awful.
I work with a guy who is either none the wiser about all that’s out there or who just legit doesn’t care about his blatant foul on e-mailing in sick with the most off the wall excuses.

Everyone noticed he has issues either before or after his day off or on the weekends. I started saving his e mails and redistribute the really good ones to some of my co-workers in an e-mail I call “daily giggles.”
The e-mails always come in like 30 min. before he’s supposed to be here or an hour after. It never fails.  I should mention that he switched to e-mails after a phone call that had everyone in stitches for months! He called his manager and said he can’t make it in because his cat has a swollen lip. That call became the running joke at work that day.
The next day a group of us were standing by the front desk when this guy showed up for work. One of the guys looks over at him and says “Hey man, is your kitty still swollen?”  That was the straw that broke the calling-in-sick back.
 Now we e-mail it in!

Friday, 12.17.10 7:26 AM “I will be in late this morning, fighting off upset stomach terrible headache and did not sleep well with upper respiratory infection.”
Poor guy! Upper respiratory infection AND upset stomach…he’s probably afraid to cough!

Thursday, 1.6.11  10:41 AM “Feeling terrible since 8 this morning, weak and cold sweats, will eat something and see about coming in after lunch.”
This is again, the day AFTER his day-off. He should’ve been in at 8, ended up coming in around 2 and left at his scheduled time off…5 pm.

Monday, 3.14.11 8:47 AM “I am pushing through something I woke up with- nearly passed out in the shower- stomach cramps-  trying not to throw up- I'll keep you posted.” This was on Monday morning…after a Sunday off. He ended up showing up after lunch…fresh as a cucumber.

Monday 3.28.11 8:21AM “I prefer to work the late shift today to give more time for [my wife] to prepare for her day. I will finish getting ready after she leaves for work.” REALLY? I’d like to come in after I watch Price Is Right…wonder how that would go over. Needless to say he never had anyone cover his shift so there was NO ONE at the store to open.

Thursday, 5.19.11 8:19 AM “I am now sick with what [my wife] had yesterday.”

Tuesday, 5.24.11 9:41 AM…time due in: 10 AM “Ive got a couple errands to run. I might be a little late, but I'm coming. Just wanted to give you a head's up.”

He came alright. At 1 o’clock.

They continued like this for a while, until a new one came in on Monday morning…2 minutes before he’s due in.

Monday 8.15.11 8:58 AM “We had a circuit breaker blow and I just found that my clothes in the dryer are still wet- will be in shortly.”
You can’t make this shit up if you wanted to. This was a “daily giggles” hit.

Then the baby came. This opened up a whole new chapter of excuses for him.

Thursday 11.10.11 8:22 AM…after a Wednesday off at home with the baby: “I will be in later this morning when I am feeling better. I have half of my voice from coughing and am still very congested.” Later he follows up with this: “I'm taking the rest of the day still getting over this cough and congestion and am planning on being in tomorrow.” He of course took his day off on Wednesday and came in in perfect health on Friday.

This went on and on with upset stomachs, alleged visits to the doctors who could never find anything wrong, no doctors notes. He got more blaze about his late arrivals, long lunches and early departures. Always some excuse and everyone was starting to take notice.

One day he made me laugh out loud. He never called or e-mailed anyone to say his tummy hurts that day. He just rolled in after 2 PM with a Mega sized bottle of Pepto Bismol in his hand. He’d walk around the office with it like it was a Jack and Coke he was enjoying. WHY do that? Sympathy? Attention? Proving to someone you really do have an upset stomach? And another thing…did he think that a sip of Pepto would cure him right away?

These are just a few of the e mails that made me scratch my head. These come in at least twice a week. It’s like getting jokes in your inbox. J

No comments:

Post a Comment